C'est bien la pire peine

De ne savoir pourquoi

Sans amour et sans haine

Mon coueur a tant de peine

- Paul Verlaine

this is my avoiding song

someone once said that it's amazing what you can accomplish while you're avoiding.

amen to that!

I'm sure you can relate to this accomplishment: I have finally mastered the art of procrastination.  Today, I vacuumed and dusted my parents' entire house, took my dogs to the lake, found a bunch of new music (kudos, last.fm!), argued with my sister about my ex-boyfriend (I don't even know why I defend him anymore), watched 2 episodes of anthony bourdain: no reservations, did my laundry, bought my aunt a birthday present, got coffee with a friend, took a shower and styled my hair - quite stylishly I might add - (you would be surprised how much time this takes... or maybe you wouldn't), and worked out.

oh - and my friend and I planned a summer trip to prague to get my TEFL certification.  hopefully that will actually happen (I mean, it's only $2600, right?)

and it's only 7:30 pm.

the only thing - the ONLY thing I told myself I had to do today was complete the reading and assignment for my online anthropology course... which I enrolled in 6 months ago... and have yet to even turn in an assignment for.

yeesh.

While I was chatting with my friend, he mentioned to me that he had recently taken to spending a little time out of each day refreshing his algebra skills, because he considers math to "not be his strong suit" and wants to improve.  He bought a book and everything.  Just because. I was like... really? really?  How does he have that kind of self-discipline?  This is someone who has plans to be fluent in six languages by the end of next year (he's already got three down, so I'm inclined to believe him).

Now I have prided myself in the past on having such strong qualities as determination, passion, and dedication to my goals and interests.  But lately it just feels like I'm slowly sliding into that lost, apathetic state of confusion because there are so many things I want to do that I don't even know where to begin going about actually doing them.  I want to travel the world.  I want to help people, and the environment.  I want to go to law school.  I want to finish earning both of my degrees already.  I want to earn money to pay for all of these things.  I want to be better at jazz piano, I really do want to spend a month in Prague getting my TEFL certification, I want to learn ProTools (well) and get into recording more, I want to compose more. I want to bike more, learn how to windsurf, and go hangliding in Rio de Janeiro.  There is just too much.

My priorities are changing, my career ideas are changing, my goals are changing... and right now it kind of feels like I'm just thinking about it all and not really doing anything.  Maybe it's because I'm worried about dedicating a significant amount of time to something, then later deciding that it's not what I really want to do, and then having to start all over again with something else.  I'm worried about all that time wasted.  I'm worried about said activity being not worth it in the end.  I am deathly afraid failing in any way.

Honestly, I'm tired of thinking.  I would really like to switch over to that "get up and do it" type of person I used to be, not this new "dreamer" type.  It's really starting to give me a headache.

Another friend of mine has just decided on a whim that she doesn't have enough hobbies.  So she took up learning the guitar - she's teaching herself - and playing tennis - she goes on weekends with her boyfriend and his parents.  This is all in between studying for the MCAT she's taking in January.  And this is all during her vacation - her supposed "break time."  And I know her GPA is still better than mine, after I kicked my ass this semester and totally burned out at the end.

I would really like to take a page out of her book, but I know I couldn't handle that amount of constant focus and work.  I need the breaks in between, to clear my head, to relax, to remember to enjoy my incredible life.  It's just that whenever I do take those breaks, it feels like I instantly fall behind.  Don't you ever get that way?  How do you continue in this Energizer-bunny-role without taking the time to breathe?

I leave this uneasiness with the comforting words of Bob Dylan:

"What's money?  A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do."

Gotta love that guy.

noise

God, please give me the patience to brave the things I do not yet understand.

my dream last night

the wings are wide.

the emeralds and sapphires and fiery auburns below swirl together

like dragging a branch along rainbow water

making subtle ripples and dents

forever changed by your presence

this isn't what I thought it would be like.

but isn't that just how life should be?

we cross a vast lake.

the sun shoots rays across the water

exploding into billions of glittering tiny stars

constantly moving, shimmering, and dancing...

I imagine them as living souls,

rushing about on the earth below

it catches my breath.

I am flying.

I am utterly filled with joy.

I am incandescently happy,

transcendent

and overwhelmingly grateful.

"there is no remedy for love but to love more"

- thoreau

when the world ends...

you know that terminix commercial that has the urban myth about cockroaches being the last living organisms if the world ends?

yeah... fuck that.  

so here's a question.  what would your ideal apocalypse be?  How would you want it to end?  or better yet, where would you be?  what would you be doing?  who would you be with, if anyone?

I hope that I go out to the tune of something like "final countdown."  or anything from my "just fucking jam out" playlist (oh yeah, I have one), like the Who's "baba o'riley."  oh man! that would be sick.  and I hope that this perfect apocalypse of mine would occur on my birthday, just for the irony if nothing else.  Plus, it would be nice to have my last moments on Earth spent partying with everyone I love.

more on that later.  for now, it's back to work...

"I hope the leaving is joyful; and I hope never to return."

- frida kahlo

  

my power dinner party

If you could have any 10 people over for dinner, who would they be?  I was talking - or rather arguing - about this with a friend and we decided that included any historical figures and fictional/nonfictional characters.  Of course, me being me, I couldn't decide on only 10 so I had to just have more than one dinner party to accommodate them all :)

Here is a favorite (in no particular order):

1. Mark Twain

2. Eleanor Roosevelt

3. George Bernard Shaw

4. John Stewart

5. Oscar Wilde

6. Shakespeare

7. John Steinbeck

8. Henry David Thoreau

9. J.M. Barrie

10. Bach

I'm listening to Penderecki right now.  What a crazy motherfucker.  It's like hearing the earth die - creaking, groaning, wailing, exhalting, crying, whispering.  I want to turn it off but can't.  It's haunting and alluring, which keeps me stuck here subjecting myself to these frightening, mystical emotions and continually wondering why I haven't turned the damn thing off yet.  

On a lighter, happier note - it snowed tonight.  Not the cheap, icy stuff we usually get.  Big, beautiful, fluffy snow.  Of course it didn't stick or anything, but it was just so incredible to see here in Austin in the beginning of December.  I stood outside for about 20 minutes in nothing but my pajamas, feeling utterly alive and thanking God for stuff like this - these magnificent, short-lived surprises in life.

"I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an axis of suffering; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest on pure joy"

- Louise Bogan

Well, I've finally been pushed on the blog train and haven't yet decided the purpose of it. I suspect it'll eventually form a concoction of random thoughts and opinions that will probably have no conclusion and likely won't make sense to anyone but myself. Words are words, though.

I am leaving for costa-rica-with-the-family-"part deux" in 3 days and have to move out of my apartment by then so this will probably start slow. But I have to admit - although I've been horrible about keeping a journal in the past (except in those those tragic and somewhat embarrassing times of the inevitable teenage melodrama), I really am somewhat excited to get all the jumbled nonsense in my brain out of my head and onto something. Hopefully I will have/make time during the semester.

I did just get home from California - another family trip, but with the purpose of visiting law schools and colleges for myself and my little sister. The trip was surprisingly excellent, considering the amount of time spent in a tiny car and tiny hotel rooms for two weeks - and is probably worthy of its own entry. All in due time... hopefully...

But "for now," I am exhausted and happy to be home for a few days.

"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- Steinbeck